Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I Wasn't Dating Him, I Swear! (or) Happy Birthday Sis!

It's April Fool's Day and as much as I'd like to get down and dirty with some joke, instead I'm obligated to say Happy Birthday to my April Fool Sister.

I AM going to tell a story about her though just so we all know who we are talking about here.

I am the oldest of all the sisters but we were all a bit afraid of my sister Kelly. to begin with, she never forgot anything! This meant she was perfect for blackmailing any of us and I she certainly put that talent to us on me and my sister Tammy.

The story I'm going to tell though is this one. She used to date a guy named Heeberdee. (Yes, the name is changed to protect the guilty). Heeberdee and I were party buddies (and when I say party buddies, well, we really partied) Like, stay out all night and pass out somewhere type of party...but those days are long ago.

She became convinced that I was 'after' her boyfriend, Heeberdee. I tried to tell her that I wasn't, we were just friends. He was 2 years older than I was which meant he was 4 years older than her. (too old for her at that age anyway) And honestly, I really wasn't after him, we were just friends. She just didn't believe that though.

One day when I was getting off work and was on my way home, Kelly decided that she had had enough with her suspicions and was going to do something about it. She sure did. She laid in wait for me behind the front door with rolls of dimes in each hand. She punched me as soon as I came in, dimes when flying everywhere.

As the fists were flying so were her words. I really don't remember exactly what she said that day since I was quite busy with ducking and trying to save my life. They were something along the lines of 'This will teach you to mess with my man.' You know, the general suspicious girlfriend words while beating someone else's ass.

I ended up locking myself into a bathroom until she cooled down and I don't think she ever did believe that I wasn't after her boyfriend.

I think the fact that I moved in with him about a month later and eventually married him was part of the problem.

So, if you see my sister today, please wish her a Happy Birthday. And watch out for her left..it's a doozie.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Children: Free to Good Home

Okay, the children have been home since Thursday after school. Friday was an in-service day. Then we had the Blizzard. Monday was cancelled and I've just found out that school in cancelled AGAIN for tomorrow!

Noooo! I'm ready for them to go back to school!

In the face of this new development, I got to thinking. (Hush, it's not ALL bad when I start thinking!) How would I go about advertising my children if I were to send them somewhere else for awhile? Truth in advertising? Go the route of used car salesmen and put the best possible spin on things?

I think I'll go with Pros and Cons:

Magnet: Almost 12 years old.

1. Practically housebroken, rarely misses the toilet anymore.
2. Cooks his own macaroni and cheese.
3. Very smart.

1. Has not understood the concept of a hamper yet, doubtful at this stage if he will.
2. While he does cook his mac and cheese, he doesn't put up any ingredients and often cooks the stirring utensils at the same time resulting in frequent smoke alarm sound-offs as well as warping all plastic cooking utensils.
3. Very smart in school, has yet to figure out that there is a time and place to just be quiet when mom 'gets that look'.

Another option is this one:

Alien: 10 years old.

1. Young enough that he doesn't mind snuggling.
2. Quick to laugh at most anything.
3. Extremely sociable and makes friends easily.

1. Being the second son, he does not have the ability to entertain himself and thus requires all those around him to participate in his activity of choice or suffer the whining consequences of not joining him.
2. Quick to laugh, and make noises, and fart while laughing, then snort, laugh with mouth full of food, chokes on said food and then laughs about it again, still laughs while being told not to do something. Convinced he's entirely too cute to ACTUALLY be in any sort of trouble.
3. Brings any friend he has made or just met or anyone that is tagging along with anyone that he has just met right over to the house and brings them into the bedroom where he then wakes you while you are sleeping with your nightgown twisted up around your waist so that he can ask if everyone can come in.

They both come with a bike that has a flat tire. multiple pairs of jeans with stains and holes in the knees, book bags that have a mysterious ability to lose library books and shoes with floppy laces.

AS IS condition and all returns will be accepted. Orthodontic work will be the responsibility of the accepting party. No exchanges. Thank you.

I'm Not Sure I Survived the Blizzard!

Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me now. Is there anyone at all?

Or at least..anyone that can legally buy alcohol?

Someone who isn't a....

wild and crazy kid?

I think I've been snowed in too long. I have my internet back now so there is a glimmer of hope that my mind will return. I hope.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Snowed in and Low on my Wine!

Here's hoping that my internet stays up long enough to post this. It's been really slow and spotty today. Can't imagine why. Oh..I'm low on wine also, please send one of these. Pronto.

Words can't even describe this. We received an official 28 inches I believe and the drifts...well see for yourself.

Remember that table in the backyard? Here it is as a reminder. Yes that is a Skull on there, wanna make sumpin of it? Bwahahaha.

Table? What table? We don't need to stinkin' table! Those arches there? That's the top of the firewood holder thingie. You can see it in the first photo.

Here's the 6 ft. fence, drifted nicely in front and up. Just thought that looks kinda weird and is my bet where the boys will start building their fort.

Remember those bikes that the boys never got put up? Bikes? What bikes? I can't even get out the front door much less worry about bikes!

Since I can't get out the door, here's a window view of the driveway. Yeah, that's my new van that's peeking outta the snow there. Da Man's van is totally covered over.

Here's part 2 now..since the internet was down and I couldn't get anything done! I just 'bout died. I never want to go through that again. Never.

Da Man shoveled us out at least to the street so we don't feel quite so isolated. Magnet helped hold the sides up.

Here's a view of the neighbor's house. Don't ya like how the drift almost reaches the roofline? Yeah. Thought you would.

And finally, the path to the front door. This definitely goes down as the Blizzard of '09.

Just make sure that you don't forget this guy. Please.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Snow? Snow?! You can't HANDLE the snow!

This is my recipe for handling a foot of snow. 'Nuff said. (Yes, M.P. Mama, I'm a good Girl Scout and am always prepared!)

P.S. Magnet asked me if he could have some ice cream. I said he could but only after he brought me my bottle of wine so I could top off while I was curled up under the covers watching 3:10 to Yuma. Does that make me a bad mom or am I just training him to deal with women effectively in the future? Bwahahaha.

Snow Storm Update! Whoa!

Grab some hot chocolate, bundle up in your favorite blanket and look what is going on now!

Just a few short hours ago, this is what we had. And now..this! It's getting hard to even see out there. I'm sure glad I don't have to try to drive in this stuff!

That nice little garden light...yeah, presto chango..and it's disappeared! BTW, that's a 36 inch T-ruler to that means that drift is ummm, someone do the math. It's deep is what it is! Heh. (You can click to make the pictures really big!)

Magnet decided to venture into the back yard to work on a snow fort. Snow fort in Magnet speech means "I'm going to track all over the yard and get as covered in snow as I possibly can so that I can come back in all frozen and melt all over the house while loudly demanding that you make me some hot chocolate with extra marshmallows."

Yeah, he's really learned how to condense down all of that in just two little words. Snow Fort.

He's going to be one of those strong, silent types.

Can't Buh-lieve What I'll do to Blog!

Okay, I admit that I'm officially nuts, fried, cooked, turn me over I'm done. I went OUTSIDE in this cold, blowing snow and took pictures just for you. My wonderful blog family.

This is an overview of the on-going snowstorm here just looking out my front door towards the park. I hope all of you also have a couple of bicycles dumped in your front yard that weren't picked up by your children that claimed to take care of their bikes 'forever'. The wind is actually keeping a fair bit of it off the street. It's actually coming down pretty good right now, the picture just isn't really showing it.

Because, a lot of it is blowing up to my front door. Yes, I had to slog through a bit of this drift so I could show you my garden light and using a big T-ruler thingie I found to show a nice 12" drift. I searched for a regular ruler, they have apparently all been abducted by aliens.

Here's the back yard. Everyone has an old skull, sticks, stones and pop cans sitting on their patio tables right? Uhh...WHAT was that?

Yeah, it's a skull. With a stick for whittling around it. I did mention I'm the only female living full-time in a house of boys right? Pray for me.

I'll post some more pics of these same areas as it keeps coming in. We are still supposed to be getting 12" total and I don't think we're even close to that yet.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Storm is Coming!


They are predicting anywhere between 8 to 24 inches of snow for my area!

I can't wait! I'm gonna make chili, chicken noodle soup, hot chocolate, pineapple upside down cake and roast some marshmallows!

Yeah yeah...food is what makes my world go 'round. Shaddup about that already.

We are gonna have fun though and I'm going to try to take pictures as it develops.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Big Fat Lie

I love Mama Kat's Writing Assignments and then blending it with Thousand Word Thursdays. It really gets me thinking. The week the prompt that got my brain to percolating was:

#4. You can go back to your childhood for one day. What day and age do you choose?

I instantly jumped back to a fall day in 1976. I was 12 years old. We had moved from Oklahoma City to a tiny little town here in Kansas. I believe it had about 200 people. I became the paper girl that fall and had over 80 papers to deliver.

This little town had a beautiful old schoolhouse that had been closed a couple of years before. All the small towns were closing down and consolidating districts. Our bus driver, Mr. Jennings, was caretaker for this building and lived just next door.

One day, the 'gang', pretty much all the kids that lived in town, were playing over by the schoolhouse when we noticed that the back door was open that led into the gymnasium. We peeked in and were just so tempted to play in it. I wandered off a bit from the rest of the group when I found myself face to face with a man I hadn't ever seen before. He told me that he was staying over at the Jennings's house and it was fine if we wanted to go in and play for awhile.

I happily scampered back to the gang and let everyone know the good news! Off we went. We played basketball and dodge ball. We checked out the kitchen, which still had pots and pans in it! The classrooms still had desks and chalk and erasers. It was like a dream come true. This was the best way to play school ever! In a full stocked actual school house.

A couple of hours into this perfect play day, Mr. Jennings stopped by and was not very happy at all! He made all of us leave the school house, scolded us big time for making a mess and wanted to know WHO had said they could play in there. The kids parted as if they were the Red Sea and I was left facing Mr. Jennings.

I quickly told him about the man that had given us permission and he wanted to know more. What did he look like? Where exactly was he? Where had he gone? My brain just froze, I didn't know what he looked like, he was just a shadowy kinda guy. I was marched over to my house and my parents were then updated on the situation.

I was a good kid. I took care of my little sisters. I did what I was told. I was well-mannered. I told them about this man I had seen and talked to. I told them that he was a black man and I didn't know where he had gone after he talked to me. He had been standing in the shadows of the trees and so I really hadn't seen him that well, plus he had a hat on.

My dad drove around the small town looking for anyone out of place. No one had seen anyone unusual and certainly not a black man. (For a small town of 200 white people, he would have been noticed.) They came back to me and I could see confusion, uncertainty and skepticism in their eyes. They were beginning to doubt my story. They talked to me.

Mom: "Shawn, tell us again EXACTLY who you saw and what he said."

Mom: "He was standing where?"

Mom: "And you didn't get a good look at him because he was in the shadows and had a hat on hmm?"

Finally, I broke and all my words came out in a tearful rush.

Me: "I'msorryIjustwantedtoplayanditjustcameout."

Mom: "So, no black man?"

Me: "No. Idon'tknowwhyIsaidthatI'msosorryI'msosorry."

I was so ashamed of myself. It was the first time I had told a lie of this magnitude. The entire town knew I told a lie. My parents were embarrassed as well. To this day, I can't believe that I made up some mystery man and then turned him into a black man to take the fall.

If I could go back in time, I'd go back and NOT tell this lie.

(Later on, I'll have tell you about how I got really good at sneaking out and lying as a teenager though! hehe)

Cheaper Than Therapy

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Inventors wanted! Puhleaze!

I'm such a gadgetaholic. As many as I already have, I want even more, including some that I can't seem to find anywhere.

I want a washer/dryer system that runs itself. I'll take the time to sort things into various color bins plus a 'delicate' bin. But I think the system at that point then decides that there are enough clothes to do a load, runs it on the appropriate setting, shuttles it over to the dryer, folds it if it is towels or linens of some sort and sends a text message to the designated person that clothing items are ready to be folded or hung up. Of course, the clothes will be kept going on fluff until done so that there are no wrinkles.

I want a little vaccuum cleaner kinda like those little Goomba things they have but this one should have a scanner on it and if it approaches a smallish item, then an arm reaches out and picks up the item and deposits it in a basket. That way the vaccuum completely cleans the floor as well as picking up the mess.

Hmm..what else.

I wouldn't mind an automatic dog feeder/waterer with an extra attachment that sprays doggie cologne while the dog is eating. I have a really stinky dog..even after he's been freshly bathed.

I want a gadget that pinches people on the butt when they visit my blog and then leave without commenting! Bwahahaha!

Oh, and I want one of these too.

Monday, March 23, 2009

If I could choose a brand new career I'd like to be a poker player

Yep, you heard me. Poker, I like it all. Stud, draw, hold-em, omaha...it's all fun. How cool would that be?! Oh, I'd definitely have to pick a cool poker name. I could be Dragon Lady! That sounds like a totally killer poker name doesn't it?

I'm way too cheap to play with my own money though, that could be a drawback. I love to drink also. Drinking while playing is usually frowned on also. I have to admit that the one time that I did play poker with real cash, I lost it all once I started drinking. I should have known better, I've always chosen lousy men also when I've been drinking!

I always wanted to be friends with Annie Duke also but after watching Celebrity Apprentice, I'm not so sure. She's awfully bossy. I could probably make her laugh though but if she didn't laugh and gave me that poker face, I'd totally cave. My mind would totally be going "uh oh, I thought that was funny. wasn't that funny? I don't think she thinks that was funny. man, what am I doing out here trying to make THE annie dukes laugh"

I quickly turn into a quivering pile of mush. Quivering Pile of Mush Lady just isn't nearly as impressive as Dragon Lady.

Now I totally have Kenny Roger's song in my head! Sing along with me!

You gotta know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

You never count your money
While you're sitting at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done

By the way..is it just me but I liked the way he looked before he got all Michael Jackson on the plastic surgery thing. I couldn't even bring myself to post a picture of him the way he looks now. Gah.

I totally say totally too much.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The party is over

Spring break has officially ended. The kids are back. School is scheduled for tomorrow. The house is a mess. No more running around the house nekkid.

I need a glass of wine.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I gots a brudder.

Yep, I do. I also have 3 younger sisters which I had for a long time, then my mom ditched my dad and picked up another husband. She finally got her boy. It just took a new man to do it. So anyone out there with too many boys or girls..just change husbands. Works like a charm.

Anyway, this boy was born when I was 13 years old. Yep, I liked him pretty much. And yes, we traumatized him forever by playing baby doll with him. Something weird happened though by the time I was 18. He was 5 and such a little snot. All I can remember from him during those years is saying 'Duh' 'Doi' 'Du-uh' and various obnoxious noises like that. I had much cooler things to listen to so I wrote him off. Literally, I think for the next 18 years after that I still thought of him as that obnoxious little boy that got on my nerves.

Then he got married. Then he was talking to me about buying houses. And school districts. It was the biggest wake-up call ever! I was totally like "OMG! Who is this guy and why haven't I liked him before?"

Once when I living on my own in Oklahoma City, I came back home to find my door crashed in and things missing from the house. I called my brother and tearfully told him about it. I remember clearly, he only said once sentence to me as I cried on the phone to him. "I'm on my way."

I love my brudder.


I think I'm going to be nominated for the Nobel Prize for Procrastination.

I believe that this is a character trait that has been seriously undervalued for years.

Here an example to show you what I mean:

Penicillin was actually discovered by the procrastinating housekeeper. Yeah, sure, that other guy put it under the microscope but hey, it wouldn't have even have BEEN there if not for the bread that just hadn't been put back up.

Even this guy, a procrastinating eater.

I'm convinced I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. I'm determinedly and faithfully putting of most every chore every day. I'm sure that I'll receive my notice of nomination any day now. Oh, I just realized...my mail is delivered to the post office and not to my home. Hmm..when did I get it picked up last?

Friday, March 20, 2009

PW's evil twin perhaps?

I was just sitting here thinking. Yeah, I know it's dangerous when I do this but I can't help it. Anyway, this time my thoughts turned to 'What if I had a blog like PW's that had different categories to it, what would my categories be?'.

Yes, I often project myself into other people's lives. It's a gift and a curse at the same time.

Her little tabs to click on are: Confessions, Cooking, Photography, Home & Garden and Homeschooling.

Yes, she's very talented and if you don't read her blog I highly recommend it. Unless, like me you suffer from nevermeasureupitis and then she'll be sure to cause a flare up. She's beautiful and seems incredibly nice on top of it all. I bet she can even sing. I should hate her but I just can't bring myself to.

My tabs would be along the lines of: Bizarre Thoughts, Cooking while Searching for a Clean Bowl, Taking Pictures that Never Get Printed, The Unorganized House and Trying to get the Kids to Stay Outside (aka No Way Would I Homeschool).

Whaddya think? Can you see thousands of people swarming to my site to hang onto my every post like P-dub does? Hmm? No? Well, what about hundreds? Still no? Dozens? Tens? One? Surely I'll get the random clicker that accidentally lands on my site while googling the word 'Boobs'.

I can see it now. Bloggy awards showered upon me. Thousands, no millions of grateful women and even some men everywhere that no longer feel the pressure to do it all! I could have giveaways of lounging pajamas and clutter holders and my children!

Geez, I am a friggin' genius! Look out blogging world. Here I come!