It's Silly Saturday time!

This is a day that I'm kinda leaning towards doing some sort of 'linky' thing just to give everyone a quick grin for the weekend. I'm still working out the bugs though so for now...sit back and enjoy the funny.

In the tradition of Jeff Foxworthy (and 'cause I 'have' a few rednecks in the old family tree) here is a few redneck'isms for ya.

Here's a redneck time-out. Ha! This is tempting!



Now a redneck really knows how to pimp a ride!



But family time always trumps everything.



I'd like to leave ya'll with this:

A state trooper pulls over a pickup and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The redneck says, "Bout wut?"

Ya'll have a wonderful weekend!

Twinkies, Kindle and Wine

I just love Fridays. Mostly cause it is leading into the weekend but also because it's Jaci's Blog Fart Friday and I get to just say whatever the heck is popping into my little old head.

Like this funny joke I heard the other day:

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad is getting his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Honey, you are going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."

I just love jokes like that.

I'm also totally in love with my Kindle. I'm not getting much done around the house because I keep wanting to read something else...and it's just so EASY to get something else to read.

Ya'll have a great weekend! I think I just might try to get a garden in. Hopefully. Maybe. I might end up drinking some wine instead. I'll let ya know.

I remember when....

Let's all say thank you to Jen and Mama Kat for hosting these wonderful events known as ATWT and Writer's Workshop.

Mama Kat's prompt I chose was "I remember when..." so without further delay,

I remember when I was jet-setting about the world, dining in the finest restaraunts and flying in private planes.



I remember going scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef.



I remember kayaking down the Amazon river and getting captured by a native tribe but was able to live after charming the chieftain and becoming an honorary member of the tribe.



I remember flying off to Jupiter in the spacecraft I built in my own garage to save a damsel in distress.



I remember when I fought off hordes of mutant, carnivorous creatures in an abandoned shack in the woods with only my wits and one small knife.



I remember when I could wake up from those dreams without the sleep lines on my face lasting for 6 hours!

Saggy Boob Realities

It's always a good thing when your family truly understands what you are going through. She fully commiserated with me during this time of stress.

My sister sent this to me, just to let me know she cares.



Isn't she just the best?!

Ooops, I've been gone..but here's how my week has been!

A peek in Shawn's life this past week:

First, I had trouble getting out of bed.

Then I had a stiff neck

I washed my hair and couldn't do a THING with it!

My new diet doesn't seem to be working out.

I pulled a muscle when I tried to work out,

and then my boss chewed me out at work.

To top it off, lunch didn't seem to agree with me.

I feel trapped.

Univited guests showed up at dinnertime,

and on top of that, I think I'm coming down with the flu.

Last night, I was hearing strange sounds coming from the basement.

I hope next week is better!

From now on, I'm going to handle stressful situations like a dog.


If I can't eat it or play with it,
I'm going to pee on it and walk away.

Family Makeovers! Before and After.

I don't know what everyone is complaining about all the time. I find it very easy to whip everyone into shape and mold them into the person I want them to be.


For example. take my son Magnet. Just a few short weeks ago he was just sitting around, playing video games, caring primarily only about himself and the dog.


Now look at him. I just put him through my paces and voila! A new Magnet has emerged!


I next sighted on someone a little more difficult. I mean, I haven't known this kid his whole life and I thought I might have a little trouble here.


I don't know why I worried though. The Dude turned out awesome.


I decided to try out my new system with Da Man.


Mmmmmm, me likey.

Oh me? You are wondering if I put myself through my new program?


What do you think?

Sock City

I brought up my bizarre imagination a couple of posts ago and my mom brought up some other things too. That I saw burps also (actually I saw those first) and I could hear the worms scream when we'd put them on a fishing hook. Oddly enough, it didn't really traumatize me but there's nothing quite like a worm scream.

Anyway, this morning while helping my son find some socks to wear today I started wondering where in the h e double hockeysticks do all of the socks go?

I suddenly had a vision of an entire sock city that lies in a parallel universe. You have to be 100% cotton to get there.

There would be sock bars...where all the single socks would be looking for their perfect mate.

Hobo socks would be piled up against the walls...all grungy with lint stuck to them.

Old, threadbare mated socks would be walking hand in hand in the parks. Or would that be heel in heel?

Lots of runaway kid socks, out on their own. Argyle pimp socks trying to take advantage of them.

All the old tube socks with stretched out heels would be wolf-whistling at the silk stocking walking by.

I'm thinking I'm going to wear sandals today.

Post 100. Pill Bugs. Imagination. And a little about Me.

Well, here I am. I made it to number 100. I had been thinking earlier in the week just what was I going to do to celebrate this milestone. I've now tossed out all of my previous ideas and I'm just gonna rattle on for a bit. Blame it on the wine. My glass is full (again).



I'm the oldest of 5 kids. Yes, my mother must have gone a wee bit insane. Actually a LOT insane considering that the first 4 of us were all born in 6 years. That just makes the ole vahjayjay clench up don't it?! (BTW, I have NO idea who this woman is but I have seen this exact same expression on my mother's face!)



When I was a kid...I had the weirdest imagination. I could 'SEE' farts. There were the zippy little quick ones. They zoomed around the room, would bounce off people. The worst were the long, sloooow, mushy sounding ones. They kinda oozed outta people's shorts and were a drippy looking green. Sometimes they even had different colors mashed up in 'em also. Bleh. My family would often even ask me, "What's that one looking like Shawn?" And I'd tell them. I was just the nutty little kid.



I also had a very definite conscience. I wish he looked like Jiminy Cricket. I mean how cool would THAT have been.



Instead, my conscience was a blue-uniformed police officer that stood in a lifeguards tower and blew his whistle when I started doing something that I wasn't supposed to do. He was really a pain! He'd just keep on blowing that whistle until I finally stopped. Can we say 'juvenile schizophrenia'? ::snort:: (Yeah, that pic has some sort of 'do not steal' thingie across it but, but, it was PERFECT!)



My middle sister though, she's the most like me as far as sense of humor goes. She's freakin' Hi-larious so of course I think she's the most like me! ::snicker:: Seriously though, I wish she'd get her butt back to blogging a little more frequently cause I miss the way she makes me laugh.



I do have to confess one thing that I did to her as a child though. Ya'll remember those pill bugs? I called 'em rolie polies. I gathered up a handful one day. (In Oklahoma they are under any rock you pick up.) I tossed 'em in a bowl and swirled it around. Those little bugs just curl right up and roll around as cute as you please.



Then I told her she had to eat her peas. She didn't really want to but I told her she HAD to or she was gonna get in 'Big Trouble'. She ate em. My mom caught me. Guess who was the one that ended up in 'Big Trouble'? Heh.



Okay, I'll show you a little better. Here's a REAL picture of a pill bug instead of that little cartoony one which makes 'em look cute. I was so bad.



So that's about it. A long, weird, rambling post for my number 100. I'm blaming it on the wine but actually it's just me. All me. Only me. Bwahahahahaha!

Oh yeah, It's Monday.

So, I'm creeping up on my 100th post. A milestone. An "I've stuck it out this long and people haven't thrown rocks at me yet" moment.

What shall I do to celebrate it?


A giveaway?



A funny story?



Pictures of gorgeous men to drool over?



Actually, I find myself in a bit of a funk just now. Perhaps I'll just crawl into bed, make some popcorn and find a good movie.

I'm not the only one that has weeks days like this right?

Just a quick post!

:::snicker:::

:::snort:::

Humor quotient of a 9 year old...'member?

I'm your BFF! Again!

I'm totally liking this whole BFF thing. Don't know what BFF is? Where ya been? Under a rock? Sheesh. Go over to Jaci's blog and check it out already. Just don't call her Jaycee...she hates that. It's pronounced Jacki...which I totally know since I'm one of her very bestest friends. She just doesn't know that yet. But she will, I have her phone number now...and her cell number....and her address....and I know what she drives....muahahahahaha! Oooohhh, I almost scared myself there for a moment! Hah!

She defines it as:

Blog Farts – noun. Def: Crappy ideas that are too short to make a real blog post, but when combined, join forces to make one unified, albeit half assed, post. see also: memes, surveys.

Cool right? Right. I thought so too. Great minds really do think alike don't they?

I really wanna come up with one of those linky things and then I can be one of the popular girls instead of one of the poopular ones. Heh. That cracks me up. I know, humor quotient level of a 9 year old. I blame it on my pre-teen boys. I laugh at farts too (mine anyway). I give 'em the old stink-eye when it's them doing it.

I particularly laugh out loud when I delicately pass just a little gas but I'm sitting on my wooden chair and it sounds like a machine gun straight out of the 1920's gangster wars and it scares my dog out of a sound sleep and he jumps up, barks, spins around and heads downstairs to hide. I literally laugh out loud.

Didn't know that I took Blog 'Fart' Friday so literally didja?

It's amazing to watch the progression of excuses when a child doesn't want to go to bed. From the utilitarian like "I forgot to brush my teeth" or "I need to go to the bathroom" to the needy like "I need a drink of water" or "I forgot to give you a bedtime hug" to the downright pitiful "My stomach hurts" or "I had a bad dream". I particularly love the last one when it's only been 2.6 minutes since the last time they were up.

I love wine. I think I have about a half-bottle in the frig. I'm gonna go check.

Hey, everyone check out my groupies bloggy love mosh pit over there...I've gotten 7 new moshers this week! Woohoo! Actually, it's been 3 months since I started this thing. It's 'bout damn time I'm starting to be idolized collect more of you cute little things. Ya'll are better than beanie babies a big tub of buttered popcorn (and I LOVE my buttered popcorn!)

Oh, you have to click on the 'you're next' thing so a window pops up to show you who's doing BFF. You don't have to sign on any dotted lines or anything, just pop up the window. Don't worry though, I already whined told her about it. I'm bitchy good like that.

I scored the coveted interview!

Dr. Zibbs. Say that name to yourself out loud. Doctor Zibbs. Kinda makes you shiver a little bit doesn't it? Yeah, me too.

He decided that he was going to let two people interview him and held a grueling elimination process. I persevered through mud gnats, bull gonads, quicksand and toothpicks and finally received the grand prize. I was selected as one of the interviewers.

Unfortunately, my sanity was still missing during this time so I don't necessarily take any responsibility for my questions. Unless you like them, then they are totally mine.

After I met all of his Michael Jackson-esque demands for layers of black sheeting and multiple entrances so I would not get a chance to lay eyes upon the actual physical being of the Zibbs, he allowed these questions.

1. Since you don't want anyone to know what you look like and swear those you have seen you to secrecy....are you a sufferer of bad skin or leprosy? My skin is fine. As are my beautiful looks. The reason I don't reveal myself is because then I wouldn't be able to write anything I want on my blog. Also, because I like to torture people. And lastly, because I like to see the reaction of people when they finally meet me.

2. If you were stranded on a desert island and had to choose one of these two people to be with you, who would you choose? Alex Trebek or Pat Sajak? Trebek. Because it would be more fun to torture him. And he probably makes a better coconut creme pie.

3. If there is a speed of sound and a speed of light, is there a speed of smell? Please give an example. There is a speed of smell but it depends on what was eaten within the past hour.

4. If you got cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who would you complain to? Tom Bosely. He seems very fair. And remember when Richie and Potsie lost the money in the poker game and he won it all back? Yeah. You remember.

5. What is the right height of a mini me? This big.

6. If you woke up tomorrow and had an new accent, what accent would you prefer? Any. As long as it was super duper loud.

7. If you woke up tomorrow next to a woman with an accent, which accent would you prefer? Italian

8. If a bunch of yaks jumped on top of each other, would it still be called a dog pile? It's actaully called a grup. They do that sometimes to protect themselves from predators. For real. Naaa. I just made that up.

9. What would you choose to eat for a last meal? Crawfish au grautin over top of a rib eye. And maybe human.

10. If you had to stuck for a solid month with a bitchy woman with a great body or a hilariously funny woman with saggy boobs, who would you pick and why? Depends if I thought I could seduce and tame the bitchy woman. But I'd rather spend time with a funny woman with the saggy boobs as long as she didn't have a butterface. (Shawn here: Can't imagine why I came up with THAT question! ::snort::)

11. (Bonus question) When am I going to see a scowling blue yak peering at me from my followers party pit? Once this gets posted. (Oh, yeah..and there it is! I'm a happy saggy-boobed woman now!)


And there ya go, your little tidbit about Zibbs. One of these days I'll let you around me. The woman that was around Zibbs. Heh.

I'm not Ragin Hormone, I swear I'm not!

That darn Snarkiness! She's always messing with me! I will admit that I used to have a bit of a hormonal side but ever since Shawn has been taking that lovely little blue on blue hormone pill, there has hardly been a bit of 'ragin' going on.

I'm just simply Emotional, that's all. Lovely and simple. You know what else is lovely and simple? My cat Cupcake. She was just a half-drowned, half-dead little kitten that someone just tossed out before she was even old enough to eat on her own. We found her in the front yard...couldn't even see because her eye infections were so bad. Now she's my nap buddy. So sweet!

Hey! Who left the ketchup on the dining room table? Again! Oh, great. There's the mustard to keep it company. It's a regular condiment mosh pit, I tell ya!

Why doesn't anyone pick up after themselves? Why am I the one that gets stuck doing the real cleaning? Waaaaahh! I wanna be rich and have a housekeeper and a chef and a personal trainer....and....and...:::sniff::::...and I want a world that doesn't tear itself apart and I want...oh, hell, I don't even really know what I want.

I'm going to get a glass of wine and curl up and watch Lifetime Movies all day long.

All my love,
Shawn's Emotional side (NOT aka Ragin Hormone)

Now you are ALL mine!

Mine I say! Mine! Muahahahahaha!

I knew that if I kept it up long enough that party-pooper Sanity would finally just give up and take off. Like it did. Loser.

Which means I AM THE WINNER! Sing it with me! Iiiii aamm thuuuh weiner! Winner winner chicken dinner!

I feel like dressing up like Bette Midler in that witch show she was in and start singing "I put a spell on you...and now you're mii-ine!" Then all my neighbors can get all dressed up and put on Madonna boobs and dance all night long. In the street, so I can see them whenever I want to.

Hey! No! Go away! This is MY time to rule! Gotta run, Ragin Hormone is making a power play.

Love ya'll,
Shawn's Snarkiness.

Ciao!

My dearest Shawn,

We've had good times and bad together but honestly I'm ready for a break. We've been together for 45 years already (except for those couple of years before college when you kicked me out) and I'm ready to just take a little me-time.

I'll let you know when I return.

Love,
Your Sanity.

I'm gonna be a BFF

Blog Farts – noun. Def: Crappy ideas that are too short to make a real blog post, but when combined, join forces to make one unified, albeit half assed, post. see also: memes, surveys.

Yep, Jaci has started up Blog Fart Friday, which is totally up my alley since that is generally about all my mind does most of the time.


I think this is the first year in about 10 years that I actually got my Christmas stuff down before Easter. Of course, that was only cause Da Man started doing it and he just can't put things away the way I want things put away so that meant that I had to do it or put up with him doing it and I just couldn't do that.

Yeah, I totally talk like that in real life also.


Why does there always seem to be some sort of condiment sitting on my dining room table? I'm staring at a bottle of ketchup right now.


I would KILL to have an Alice from the Brady Bunch in my life. I would be a happy and well-adjusted woman if I only had an Alice.


I crack myself up when I comment on other people's blogs. I'm only sorry that all of you don't get to read all of me. It's really your loss. Really.


How in the world did the whole Easter Bunny thing even come to be? I get chocolate, cause who doesn't want another day when eating chocolate is encouraged, but eggs and bunnies. Someone was out drinking late when that one was born!


Gilles' wife? I could take her down in an instant. Just gravity would do it.