BFF weird thoughts

Blog Farts – noun. Def: Crappy ideas that are too short to make a real blog post, but when combined, join forces to make one unified, albeit half assed, post. see also: memes, surveys.

I wonder just how many unfinished projects I have going on. 4? 6? I'm afraid it's more around the dozen mark.

I'm lurking around facebook these days, don't say much but enough here and there so people remember that I am actually there. It's really strange suddenly being 'friends' with people in high school that knew OF me but certainly didn't 'know' me. Ya know?

I really wish I was one of those get up and go people. I'm afraid I'm going to look back one day and say I wish I had....

I'm still in my funk. (Yes, Mom, I'm taking my meds...mostly)

My laptop is starting to mess up. I'm getting worried. Like I'm going to have to take it to the doctor but I don't really want to because I might get some bad news and do things that I don't want to do like eat right and exercise.

I like visual cartoons. Like this one.

Post 100. Pill Bugs. Imagination. And a little about Me.

Well, here I am. I made it to number 100. I had been thinking earlier in the week just what was I going to do to celebrate this milestone. I've now tossed out all of my previous ideas and I'm just gonna rattle on for a bit. Blame it on the wine. My glass is full (again).



I'm the oldest of 5 kids. Yes, my mother must have gone a wee bit insane. Actually a LOT insane considering that the first 4 of us were all born in 6 years. That just makes the ole vahjayjay clench up don't it?! (BTW, I have NO idea who this woman is but I have seen this exact same expression on my mother's face!)



When I was a kid...I had the weirdest imagination. I could 'SEE' farts. There were the zippy little quick ones. They zoomed around the room, would bounce off people. The worst were the long, sloooow, mushy sounding ones. They kinda oozed outta people's shorts and were a drippy looking green. Sometimes they even had different colors mashed up in 'em also. Bleh. My family would often even ask me, "What's that one looking like Shawn?" And I'd tell them. I was just the nutty little kid.



I also had a very definite conscience. I wish he looked like Jiminy Cricket. I mean how cool would THAT have been.



Instead, my conscience was a blue-uniformed police officer that stood in a lifeguards tower and blew his whistle when I started doing something that I wasn't supposed to do. He was really a pain! He'd just keep on blowing that whistle until I finally stopped. Can we say 'juvenile schizophrenia'? ::snort:: (Yeah, that pic has some sort of 'do not steal' thingie across it but, but, it was PERFECT!)



My middle sister though, she's the most like me as far as sense of humor goes. She's freakin' Hi-larious so of course I think she's the most like me! ::snicker:: Seriously though, I wish she'd get her butt back to blogging a little more frequently cause I miss the way she makes me laugh.



I do have to confess one thing that I did to her as a child though. Ya'll remember those pill bugs? I called 'em rolie polies. I gathered up a handful one day. (In Oklahoma they are under any rock you pick up.) I tossed 'em in a bowl and swirled it around. Those little bugs just curl right up and roll around as cute as you please.



Then I told her she had to eat her peas. She didn't really want to but I told her she HAD to or she was gonna get in 'Big Trouble'. She ate em. My mom caught me. Guess who was the one that ended up in 'Big Trouble'? Heh.



Okay, I'll show you a little better. Here's a REAL picture of a pill bug instead of that little cartoony one which makes 'em look cute. I was so bad.



So that's about it. A long, weird, rambling post for my number 100. I'm blaming it on the wine but actually it's just me. All me. Only me. Bwahahahahaha!

I've figured out my funk! But knowing the reason is probably worse!

As some of you know, I'm pretty much the only female in a house full of testosterone. And a couple of wanna-be testoterone filled boys.

I walked through the house last night and I was assailed by various 'aromas'.



The first one was fairly mild. The trash needed to be taken out.



Then I ran across the dog. He really needs a bath.



The various thrown about socks here and there left their own little clouds of olfactory gifts in the air as well.



My husband's shoes about drove me out of the family room. The cat should have followed me.



Although the cat has her own issues to add to this.



I don't even want to talk about the bathroom and my boy's inability to turn just their heads while peeing. Think about that one for a sec.



I think I'm going to take over the guest room and fill it with sweet candles and lavender scented sheets and my laptop and my Kindle and my crafts. I wonder if I can get my meals delivered?

Oh yeah, It's Monday.

So, I'm creeping up on my 100th post. A milestone. An "I've stuck it out this long and people haven't thrown rocks at me yet" moment.

What shall I do to celebrate it?


A giveaway?



A funny story?



Pictures of gorgeous men to drool over?



Actually, I find myself in a bit of a funk just now. Perhaps I'll just crawl into bed, make some popcorn and find a good movie.

I'm not the only one that has weeks days like this right?

Just a quick post!

:::snicker:::

:::snort:::

Humor quotient of a 9 year old...'member?

I'm your BFF! Again!

I'm totally liking this whole BFF thing. Don't know what BFF is? Where ya been? Under a rock? Sheesh. Go over to Jaci's blog and check it out already. Just don't call her Jaycee...she hates that. It's pronounced Jacki...which I totally know since I'm one of her very bestest friends. She just doesn't know that yet. But she will, I have her phone number now...and her cell number....and her address....and I know what she drives....muahahahahaha! Oooohhh, I almost scared myself there for a moment! Hah!

She defines it as:

Blog Farts – noun. Def: Crappy ideas that are too short to make a real blog post, but when combined, join forces to make one unified, albeit half assed, post. see also: memes, surveys.

Cool right? Right. I thought so too. Great minds really do think alike don't they?

I really wanna come up with one of those linky things and then I can be one of the popular girls instead of one of the poopular ones. Heh. That cracks me up. I know, humor quotient level of a 9 year old. I blame it on my pre-teen boys. I laugh at farts too (mine anyway). I give 'em the old stink-eye when it's them doing it.

I particularly laugh out loud when I delicately pass just a little gas but I'm sitting on my wooden chair and it sounds like a machine gun straight out of the 1920's gangster wars and it scares my dog out of a sound sleep and he jumps up, barks, spins around and heads downstairs to hide. I literally laugh out loud.

Didn't know that I took Blog 'Fart' Friday so literally didja?

It's amazing to watch the progression of excuses when a child doesn't want to go to bed. From the utilitarian like "I forgot to brush my teeth" or "I need to go to the bathroom" to the needy like "I need a drink of water" or "I forgot to give you a bedtime hug" to the downright pitiful "My stomach hurts" or "I had a bad dream". I particularly love the last one when it's only been 2.6 minutes since the last time they were up.

I love wine. I think I have about a half-bottle in the frig. I'm gonna go check.

Hey, everyone check out my groupies bloggy love mosh pit over there...I've gotten 7 new moshers this week! Woohoo! Actually, it's been 3 months since I started this thing. It's 'bout damn time I'm starting to be idolized collect more of you cute little things. Ya'll are better than beanie babies a big tub of buttered popcorn (and I LOVE my buttered popcorn!)

Oh, you have to click on the 'you're next' thing so a window pops up to show you who's doing BFF. You don't have to sign on any dotted lines or anything, just pop up the window. Don't worry though, I already whined told her about it. I'm bitchy good like that.

I can be such a sucker!

I just love Mama Kat's writing assignments. It always takes me in some direction that I had no idea that I was gonna go in. For example, this week the prompt I chose was number 4. Write about an interaction you had with a salesman. Go check out all the other wonderful writers over at her place.

Also, I do Jen's Thousand Word Thursday. I figure all the pictures I add into my stories let's me get away with it! :::snort:::


I was taking a nap. A wonderful nap. I just love naps, don't you?

When I woke up I wandered into the living room to see Da Man.

Da Man: "Hey, I'm glad you are up. The salesman is going to be here in about 30 minutes."

Me: "Uhhh, wha..?" I wiped the sleep from my eyes and the drool from my chin.

Da Man: "A salesman stopped by earlier but you were sleeping so he's going to be back here in a bit. He wanted both of us to be there."



Me: "Why did you do that? Why didn't you just make him go away? I don't want to have to deal with a salesman? What is he even selling? Oh man, now I need to clean." Needless to say, this was the last thing that I wanted to hear after having my wonderful nap. I felt cheated out of my post-nap mellowness.

I scurried around picking up dirty socks and dog chew toys and putting the sofa cushions back into place. Before I knew it....'ding dong'. The doorbell was rung.


The salesman was here.

He was a nice enough guy with a big Silver King vaccuum cleaner. Well, I didn't want another vaccuum cleaner and I sure didn't want a big expensive one. I figured I'd just let him do his spiel and then hurry him on out the door so that I could find some wine and make my husband a little bit miserable for having put me through this to begin with.

But...hmmm...that vaccuum is working really well.



Oh, wow. You can use it on carpet and tile and wood and it even doubles as a mop and carpet cleaner?

It purifies the air also?

OMG! Look how much crap it got up just in that one little spot!

We are getting down to the end of the demonstration and I had these wonderful little jitters in my stomach. Just like the ones that I get at the mall when I find a great new pair of shoes.

Da Man is making some negative noises. I started batting my eyes and smiling really pretty at him.

He bought it for me.

We are still making the payments.

I don't use it nearly often enough.

It sure is pretty though.

Me? Well, this picture explains it all.

I scored the coveted interview!

Dr. Zibbs. Say that name to yourself out loud. Doctor Zibbs. Kinda makes you shiver a little bit doesn't it? Yeah, me too.

He decided that he was going to let two people interview him and held a grueling elimination process. I persevered through mud gnats, bull gonads, quicksand and toothpicks and finally received the grand prize. I was selected as one of the interviewers.

Unfortunately, my sanity was still missing during this time so I don't necessarily take any responsibility for my questions. Unless you like them, then they are totally mine.

After I met all of his Michael Jackson-esque demands for layers of black sheeting and multiple entrances so I would not get a chance to lay eyes upon the actual physical being of the Zibbs, he allowed these questions.

1. Since you don't want anyone to know what you look like and swear those you have seen you to secrecy....are you a sufferer of bad skin or leprosy? My skin is fine. As are my beautiful looks. The reason I don't reveal myself is because then I wouldn't be able to write anything I want on my blog. Also, because I like to torture people. And lastly, because I like to see the reaction of people when they finally meet me.

2. If you were stranded on a desert island and had to choose one of these two people to be with you, who would you choose? Alex Trebek or Pat Sajak? Trebek. Because it would be more fun to torture him. And he probably makes a better coconut creme pie.

3. If there is a speed of sound and a speed of light, is there a speed of smell? Please give an example. There is a speed of smell but it depends on what was eaten within the past hour.

4. If you got cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who would you complain to? Tom Bosely. He seems very fair. And remember when Richie and Potsie lost the money in the poker game and he won it all back? Yeah. You remember.

5. What is the right height of a mini me? This big.

6. If you woke up tomorrow and had an new accent, what accent would you prefer? Any. As long as it was super duper loud.

7. If you woke up tomorrow next to a woman with an accent, which accent would you prefer? Italian

8. If a bunch of yaks jumped on top of each other, would it still be called a dog pile? It's actaully called a grup. They do that sometimes to protect themselves from predators. For real. Naaa. I just made that up.

9. What would you choose to eat for a last meal? Crawfish au grautin over top of a rib eye. And maybe human.

10. If you had to stuck for a solid month with a bitchy woman with a great body or a hilariously funny woman with saggy boobs, who would you pick and why? Depends if I thought I could seduce and tame the bitchy woman. But I'd rather spend time with a funny woman with the saggy boobs as long as she didn't have a butterface. (Shawn here: Can't imagine why I came up with THAT question! ::snort::)

11. (Bonus question) When am I going to see a scowling blue yak peering at me from my followers party pit? Once this gets posted. (Oh, yeah..and there it is! I'm a happy saggy-boobed woman now!)


And there ya go, your little tidbit about Zibbs. One of these days I'll let you around me. The woman that was around Zibbs. Heh.

I'm not Ragin Hormone, I swear I'm not!

That darn Snarkiness! She's always messing with me! I will admit that I used to have a bit of a hormonal side but ever since Shawn has been taking that lovely little blue on blue hormone pill, there has hardly been a bit of 'ragin' going on.

I'm just simply Emotional, that's all. Lovely and simple. You know what else is lovely and simple? My cat Cupcake. She was just a half-drowned, half-dead little kitten that someone just tossed out before she was even old enough to eat on her own. We found her in the front yard...couldn't even see because her eye infections were so bad. Now she's my nap buddy. So sweet!

Hey! Who left the ketchup on the dining room table? Again! Oh, great. There's the mustard to keep it company. It's a regular condiment mosh pit, I tell ya!

Why doesn't anyone pick up after themselves? Why am I the one that gets stuck doing the real cleaning? Waaaaahh! I wanna be rich and have a housekeeper and a chef and a personal trainer....and....and...:::sniff::::...and I want a world that doesn't tear itself apart and I want...oh, hell, I don't even really know what I want.

I'm going to get a glass of wine and curl up and watch Lifetime Movies all day long.

All my love,
Shawn's Emotional side (NOT aka Ragin Hormone)

Now you are ALL mine!

Mine I say! Mine! Muahahahahaha!

I knew that if I kept it up long enough that party-pooper Sanity would finally just give up and take off. Like it did. Loser.

Which means I AM THE WINNER! Sing it with me! Iiiii aamm thuuuh weiner! Winner winner chicken dinner!

I feel like dressing up like Bette Midler in that witch show she was in and start singing "I put a spell on you...and now you're mii-ine!" Then all my neighbors can get all dressed up and put on Madonna boobs and dance all night long. In the street, so I can see them whenever I want to.

Hey! No! Go away! This is MY time to rule! Gotta run, Ragin Hormone is making a power play.

Love ya'll,
Shawn's Snarkiness.

Ciao!

My dearest Shawn,

We've had good times and bad together but honestly I'm ready for a break. We've been together for 45 years already (except for those couple of years before college when you kicked me out) and I'm ready to just take a little me-time.

I'll let you know when I return.

Love,
Your Sanity.

I'm gonna be a BFF

Blog Farts – noun. Def: Crappy ideas that are too short to make a real blog post, but when combined, join forces to make one unified, albeit half assed, post. see also: memes, surveys.

Yep, Jaci has started up Blog Fart Friday, which is totally up my alley since that is generally about all my mind does most of the time.


I think this is the first year in about 10 years that I actually got my Christmas stuff down before Easter. Of course, that was only cause Da Man started doing it and he just can't put things away the way I want things put away so that meant that I had to do it or put up with him doing it and I just couldn't do that.

Yeah, I totally talk like that in real life also.


Why does there always seem to be some sort of condiment sitting on my dining room table? I'm staring at a bottle of ketchup right now.


I would KILL to have an Alice from the Brady Bunch in my life. I would be a happy and well-adjusted woman if I only had an Alice.


I crack myself up when I comment on other people's blogs. I'm only sorry that all of you don't get to read all of me. It's really your loss. Really.


How in the world did the whole Easter Bunny thing even come to be? I get chocolate, cause who doesn't want another day when eating chocolate is encouraged, but eggs and bunnies. Someone was out drinking late when that one was born!


Gilles' wife? I could take her down in an instant. Just gravity would do it.

That thing that happened on the playground....you know, that THING!?

Mama Kat is prompting again..and this week I wasn't strong enough to say No. So I chose the prompt, Tell us about that time at the playground when that thing happened. Ha! I knew exactly what I was gonna write about.


This day will live forever in my mind. It's the day of...of...well, read for yourself.

A long, long time ago in the far off kingdom of Smalltownkansasville, there was a young lady named Shawn. (Yeah, she has a boy's name, gonna make sumpin of it?)


Anyhoo, she gathered with her friends on the grounds of the old schoolhouse. It was a favorite gathering spot for them all.

In particular, one of her favorite friends was this boy. A boy her age. A boy in her grade. A boy that was cute and sweet and made her heart go pitter-pat whenever he looked her way.


They sat together on the grassy lawn under the canopies of giant old oak trees. The other friends began to gather around as they noticed the pre-teen flirting going on. The innocent young love must have been casting out ever-expanding pheromone circles because before long everyone had gathered around the young pair.

It all started with a few looks, a few grins, a playful shove here and there among the onlookers. It quickly escalated to "Just kiss her already!" Their statements burned in the ears of young Shawn and she thought to herself, "Will he? Will I?"

They glanced at each other and at the same moment leaned in quickly for the first 'real' kiss of their young lives.

Unfortunately, they both leaned in just a little too quickly and while their lips did meet, their momentum kept them going so their teeth also bonked together hard enough that each had a bit of a fat lip afterwards.

So there it is. The story of my first kiss. On a playground. Ending in a fat lip.
He DID take me to the movies later and we worked on the whole kissing thing and got much better at it...but that first kiss? It will be with me forever.




P.S. I'm such a traffic ho, I'm totally adding this to The Mom Jen's Thousand Word Thursday.

Buncha Updates!

1. My headache is gone! Woohoo! Thanks for everyone for worrying about my imminent death my haddock. Ya'll are sweet. I will be finding a chiropractor also.


2. This is the best thing I have bought in at least a decade. I highly recommend it. I'll miss not having an actual book to pass on and I'm sure there are some that I'll still buy in bound form...but besides being very 'green', it's easy to read, portable, never leaves me without a book and is just plain AWESOME! I'd be a Kindle representative if they'd let me! Ha!


3. Silly Saturday....eh, I'll shelve it for awhile. Not to worry though, I'm sure my immature active imagination will come up with something more worthy of my fantabulous blog.


4. It's official. I'm considered a respectable person by the citizens of my small town. I was voted in to the school board position. Apparently no one here reads my blog! Bwahahahaha!

Okay, now I'm off to eat my new chicken/spinach/mushroom pizza and lick read my Kindle.